In new relationships, feelings of sexual desire for a partner come relatively easily. But, over time, partners’ sexual interests often change and it can be difficult for couples to keep the spark alive. In the beginning stages of relationships when partners are getting to know each other sexual desire tends to peak (Baumeister & Bratlavsky, 1999), and then often declines over time as partners become comfortable and committed in their relationship (see review by Impett, Muise, & Peragine, 2013). 

Given this, most romantic couples will encounter times when their sexual interests differ (Impett & Peplau, 2002, 2003; O’Sullivan & Allgeier, 1998). Couples might disagree about whether or not to have sex on a particular occasion or the specific sexual activities in which to engage (Byers & Lewis, 1988; O'Sullivan & Byers, 1996). One partner might enjoy having sex at night, but the other partner prefers morning sex. Maybe one spouse desires sex about once a week, but the other spouses’ ideal sexual frequency is closer to once a day. Or a person who fantasizes about being tied to the bedpost may have a partner who is not really into bondage. Given that romantic partners will not always be perfectly aligned in their sexual interests, how can couples navigate their sexual relationship in a way that enhances desire and satisfaction over time? Our recent research suggests that people who are motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs (i.e., high in sexual communal strength) can reap important sexual and relationship benefits.

What is Sexual Communal Motivation?

Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the term GGG to represent the qualities that he thinks are part of a satisfying sexual relationship. GGG stands for good, giving, and game. Think good in bed, giving of mutual pleasure, and game for anything—within reason. Dan Savage’s ideas about being giving and game in a sexual relationship are aligned with close relationship researchers’ ideas about being a communal partner. People who are high in communal strength (Mills, Clark, Ford, & Johnson, 2004) give to their partners to enhance their well-being without the expectation of direct reciprocation, as opposed to giving quid pro quo where a favor is contingent upon receiving something in return. As such, communally motivated people are more willing to sacrifice their own self-interests for the sake of their partner or the relationships (Mills et al., 2004). At times these are small sacrifices such as giving our partner a back rub when we would rather go to sleep, or going to a partner’s work event when we would rather spend time with friends. Other times, we may make bigger sacrifices such as moving to a new city so our partner can take his or her dream job or giving up a beloved pet because our partner is allergic. People who are higher in communal strength tend to feel better about giving to their partners and have happier relationships as a result (Kogan et al., 2010; Le, Impett, Kogan, Webster, & Cheng, 2013).

Recent research in our lab has applied these ideas to sexuality in relationships. Sexual communal strength is the extent to which people are motivated to be non-contingently responsive to their partner’s sexual needs (Muise, Impett, Kogan & Desmarais, 2013). To assess people’s communal motivation in the domain of sexuality we developed a scale, adapted from the general measure of communal strength (Mills et al., 2004). Items include “How far would you be willing to go to meet your partner's sexual needs?” and “How high a priority for you is meeting the sexual needs of your partner?” In line with Dan Savage’s ideas about being GGG, people high in sexual communal strength are game to meet their partners’ needs even at times when these needs are different from their own preferences. In one study (Muise & Impett, 2012), we asked people in relationships about the specific things they do to meet their partner’s sexual needs. People provided several examples including: having sex with their partner when they were not entirely in the mood, being open-minded about their partner’s preferences, communicating with their partner about their sexual likes and dislikes (both learning about their partner’s preferences and sharing their own), and ensuring that the sexual relationship is mutually satisfying.

Sexual Communal Motivation is Beneficial for Relationships

People who are communally motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs reap important benefits for the self.  In a sample of long-term couples who had been together, on average, for 11 years, we found people who were higher in sexual communal strength felt more sexual desire for their partner and had more enjoyable sexual experiences. Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs also helped people maintain sexual desire over time, even in long-term relationship where desire tends to normatively decline (see review by Impett et al., 2013). Whereas people low in sexual communal strength declined in desire over time in a relationship, people high in sexual communal strength began the study with slightly higher desire and were able to maintain sexual desire over a four month period of time (Muise et al., 2013).

More intuitively, the partners of people high in sexual communal strength also reaped important benefits. In a 21-day daily experience study of long-term couples, people with communally motivated partners reported that their partners were, in fact, highly responsive to their needs during sex and in turn, they felt more satisfied with and committed to their relationships. In another study of couples who were followed over three months, a person’s sexual communal strength predicted their partner’s satisfaction and commitment three months later, controlling for their partner’s satisfaction at commitment at the start of the study (Muise & Impett, invited resubmission). Other research suggests that, at times, changing sexual habits (or making sexual transformations) for a partner can benefit the relationship (Burke & Young, 2012). In one study, romantic couples reported how often they made sexual changes for their partners (e.g., had sex more frequently than personally desired or engaged in activities that were not their preference), and how they felt about making these sexual changes. People who made more frequent sexual changes for their partners had partners who reported being more satisfied in their relationships. In addition, people who felt more positive about changing their sexual habits for a partner felt happier in their relationships and had partners who reported greater happiness as well.

Is the Sexual Domain Unique?

Although a person’s sexual communal motivation is closely aligned with how communal they are in general, being communally motivated in the sexual domain is linked to unique benefits above and beyond general communal motivation. The special role of sexuality may have to do with the fact that discussions about sex can often make partners feel vulnerable and sexuality can be a particularly emotionally charged domain of relationships (Metts & Cupach, 1989; Sanford, 2003). Furthermore, because many romantic relationships are sexually monogamous (Blanchflower & Oswald, 2004), partners may not be able to get their sexual needs met outside of a relationship like they may be able to with other needs. Being high in sexual communal strength may help navigate differing interests and maintain satisfaction in a particularly meaningful and vulnerable domain of relationships.

Can a Person Be Too Communal?

Although there are clearly benefits to being communal in a sexual relationship, being motivated to meet a partner’s need without considering your own needs is not linked to benefits in a relationship and in fact, can detract from relationship quality. Unmitigated communion involves a focus on a partner’s needs to the detriment of one’s self (Fritz & Helgeson, 1998). People high in unmitigated communion do not reap the same benefits as people high in communal strength and are actually less successful at navigating situations of relationship conflict (Nagurney, 2007). This concept has not yet been applied to the specific domain of sexuality, but some research suggests prioritizing a partner’s sexual needs without considering one’s own sexual needs could lead to detrimental consequences, such as losing sight of one’s own desires (Tolman, 2002) or experiencing lower sexual well-being (Muise, Preyde, Maitland, & Milhausen, 2008). Therefore, sexual communal motivation is not just about meeting a partner’s needs, but about striking the right balance between being responsive to their partner’s needs and asserting their own needs.

In addition, based on theories of communal motivation, there should be a degree of mutuality in romantic partners’ motivation to meet each other’s needs. That is, both partners should be attuned to and responsive to the needs of the other, and care should be given based on whose need is greater at that time. If one partner is communal and the other partner is not or takes advantage of the partner’s communal nature, in theory, the communal person should stop being communal or should end the relationship to avoid being exploited (Clark & Mills, 2012). So although communal giving is not quid pro quo, people who are communally motivated to meet their partner’s needs expect their partners to be motivated to meet their needs in return.

What Does this Mean for Your Relationship?

People high in sexual communal strength can provide insight into potential strategies that might promote desire and satisfaction in ongoing romantic partnerships. It seems that to be motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs you have to understand those needs and a good starting place may to be to promote open sexual communication in a relationship. We know from a previous study that people who communicate, either verbally or non-verbally, with their partner during sex reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction (Babin, 2012). As such, one way to promote communal giving in a relationship may be to openly communicate with a partner about sexual interests and preferences. Self-disclosure is seen as a key aspect of communal relationships (Clark & Mills, 2010). Therefore, disclosure about sexual needs, wants, and desires may be an important way to promote sexual communal strength in ongoing relationships, and may encourage a partner to share their desires as well.  

In sum, being communal in the bedroom is beneficial for both partners in a relationship. People high in sexual communal strength maintain sexual desire over the course of time in long-term relationships, have more enjoyable sexual experiences and more satisfying relationships. However, it is important to strike the right balance being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs and asserting your own needs. Sexual communal motivation is linked to benefits for both partners in a relationship as long as there is mutual responsiveness and partners don’t lose sight of their own needs in the process.

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